So this Friday the 13th marks the return of Jason Voorhees in the remake/ reboot/ reimagining/ rewhatever the fuck they are calling it of Friday the 13th. I will try to see it on Saturday, but I should remind you that this is made by the guy who did the Texas Chainsaw remake and that was mediocre. Still, I will try to give it a shot. That said, I am a huge fan of Jason and the Friday the 13th movies, and so, I give you mini-reviews of the whole entire series. As an added bonus, I pick my fav death from each film.
All reviews out of 4 stars.
- Years ago a couple were killed at Camp Crystal Lake, but they are gonna reopen it. Soon, one by one the teens at the camp begin to die horribly. Who is killing them?This movie was a smash hit, upon it's release. And, while mainstream critics hated it, fans ate it up. Today considered a classic, it is often immediated never equaled. It is one of the best slasher movies, ever. It has tight, suspenseful directing by Sean Cunningham. The acting is good, and unlike the films that would follow it, the characters are likable. The FX work by Savini is amazing, and the ending is one of the best in any genre.
BEST DEATH: Kevin Bacon getting the arrow through his neck. Even cooler in the new unrated cut that recently hit DVD.
Rating: ****
- Having witnessed his mom lose her head in the first one Jason, now grown up, begins to kill some new victims.In this one he wears a sack, not the hokey mask, but I think this is a creeper look for Jason. While the film is cliched, it is entertaining, and pretty Amy Steel is one of the best heroines in the series. The acting is really good, too, by all involved. Too bad, the MPAA BUTCHERED this film, and thus the violent murders end up lacking bite. Still, worth seeing, though.
BEST DEATH: The lovers getting impaled while fucking by our hero.
RATING: ***
- Taking place right after the last installment, Jason slaughters more kids. Oh, and get his infamous hokey mask! Score!This one was originally released in 3-D and, finally Paramount has given us a a 3-D DVD! While, the movie takes some time to get started and some of the characters are sort of annoying, the 3-D FX rock. And, the climax is one of the best in the entire series. The girls are hot, too. In 3-D this is one of the best in the entire series. Without it, not so much...
BEST DEATH: Dude walks on his hands, and Jason hacks him from the crotch to his body. Fucking killer!
Rating (in 3-D): ***
in 2-D: **
- Jason is thought dead after the last one, but he escapes the morgue and kills more teens. But, a young horror fan aims to put an end to Jason's reign of terror.One of the best and bloodiest entries in the series, this one introduced protagonist Tommy Jarvis (Corey Feldmen). It's a well directed movie, with some amazing splatter work by Savini. There is also a lot of HOT chicks in this one, including Kimberly Beck, as the lead, and the smoking hot twins. To top that off, the climax is exciting and Jason's death scene is his best in the whole series. Check out that slide down the machete! A kick ass gory slasher, that is of course, NOT the final chapter!
BEST DEATH: Aside form Jason's it has to be the pervert morgue worker who gets his throat slashed with a bone saw, then gets his head twisted! Nasty!
RATING: ***
- Tommy is older, now, and haunted by Jason. When, new murders begin to happen at the psychiatric ward, is it Jason or someone else?Some hate this one cause it is not Jason that kills, but an imitator. But, give this one another look. Sure some of it is intentionally funny, but it is also really mean spirited and violent. Hacked by the MPAA, this one still hits well. It also has my fav of all the Friday heroines, in the form of the ravishing Melanie Kinnaman. She is a total babe!
BEST DEATH: The hottie with the nice rack, played by a babe whose actual name is, wait for it... Debi Sue Voorhees, getting her eyes cut with garden sheers! Fucking awesome and brutal!
RATING: ***
- Still haunted Tommy leaves the ward and heads to make sure Jason is dead. Thing is he reanimates him in the process. Doh! And, now we get the ever cool zombie Jason!This is THE best sequel in the series. Directed and written with a great sense of humor, this is a fun, kick ass movie. The beginning is one of the best in any slasher film. Zombie Jason looks so fucking cool. Tommy Jarvis is a great foil to him, and Jennifer Cooke is one of the sexiest heroines in the series. There is also cool music by Alice Cooper. A truly nifty and fun movie experience, even with the pussy MPAA killing the gore.
BEST DEATH: Horshcak form Welcome Back, Kotter gets his heart ripped out by Jason!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
RATING: ***1/2
- Jason is back, but this time a beautiful babe, Tina (Lar Park Lincoln) with psychic powers battles him.While sort of braindead, this is a fun movie that tries to add something new to the formula. Sadly, this is the most butchered film by the MPAA. The cool gore scenes are completely turned wimpy, due to lack of blood. Despite, that this movie holds a special place in my heart. Jason has never looked cooler, and Lincoln and Susan Jennifer Sullivan (as mega-bitch Melissa) are childhood crushes. On top of that the climax where Tina and Jason battle is fucking awesome. Plus, this is the movie where Kane Hodder took over the role of that Voorhees kid.
BEST DEATH: Pretty but mean Melissa gets an axe in her cute face thanks to our favorite zombie momma's boy.
RATING: **1/2
- After awakening from his watery grave he got from the last film, Jason hops on a boat that goes from Camp Crystal Lake to Manhattan, NY (huh?! how's that even possible?!)!Without a shadow of a doubt the worst in the series, this movie is stupid and idiotic. It takes an hour for him to get to New York, and then he only spend ten minutes in Times Square! On top of that the movie is the most bloodless entry in the series. A truly pusssified version of our beloved slasher! The heroine is also the most annoying in the whole series! Even though one of the most beautiful women on God's green Earth, Kelly Hu, who has an early role in it, this film still blows. Shit, not even the naked blonde's body can save it!
BEST DEATH: One of the few cool moments has Jason battle a boxer and punch his head off!
RATING: *1/2
- Jason is back at Camp Crystal Lake, where he gets blown up. But, his evil cannot die, and he begins to possess people. This time though, there maybe a way to send him to hell, once and for all.By now, we know, this did not kill him either! But, but to me the problem is the fact that this film blatantly rip-offs horror/ sci-fi/ action hybrid, The Hidden. That film is much better, but JGTH is not without merit. This is the bloodiest film in the series. The acting and FX are good, and there are enough pretty babes to please the eyes. An enjoyable, if flawed sequel.
BEST DEATH: The hot babe riding her boyfriend, who gets ripped in half by a spike and splatters all over her boyfriend. Gruesome, even more so in the unrated cut.
RATING: **1/2
- Taking place in the future (hence after the next installment, Freddy Vs. Jason), this one has Jason being cryonically frozen alone with a sexy government research, only to be awakened even more in the future, as in 2455! There he begins his next killing spree.The best entry in a while, this one of the best sequels, period. There is some good acting, kick ass FX, amazing gore, great humor, and hot, hot babes! Kane is fucking awesome as Jason, and Lexa Doig is THE hottest heroine since Lar Park Lincoln. Jason's battle with sexy android Kay-EM 14 is a highlight, as is Ubber-Jason. A great time to be had, I simply love this one!
BEST DEATH: The super beautiful blonde who gets her face frozen, then smashed! So cool and innovative!
RATING: ***
- Taking place between JGTH and JX, Jason is still in hell, and so is Freddy (who died in Freddys Dead: The Final Nightmare). The kids in Elm Street no longer believe in him, so he uses Jason to make them fear him and regain his power. But, when these titans of terror clash who will win? And, who will survive?It took years to finally mae this one. and it has it's flaws (why is Hodder not playing Jason?!), but it really is a fun movie. My second favorite sequel, this one has great effects and a KILLER climax. It is also exceptionally gory. The final battle between the two is worth the price of viewing it, alone.
BEST DEATH: Jason stabs a dude with his machete, then folds the bed breaking the guy in half. Impressive!
RATING: ***1/2
Enjoy this Friday the 13th. By the way, any of you going to see the remake? Tell me what you think of it. Oh, and beware of JASON VOORHEES!!!!!
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