Director: Michael Bay
Writer: Ehren Kruger, Roberto Orci, and Alex Kurtzman
Cast: Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox, Josh Duhamel, Tyrese Gibson, John Turturro, Ramon Rodriguez
Let me start by saying that this review will be a little different than earlier reviews, I may have done for this site, as I wanted to use pics for this one, something I ain't done, before.
Taking place a few years after the original, the military have befriended the Autobots and together they battle the evil Decepitcons. Meanwhile, Sam (Shia LaBeouf) has absorbed the info from the cube from the last film, by accident. The Deceps need this info and need to kill Optimus, the only threat to the first Decep, the Fallen. With the resurrection of their leader Megatron, they just might accomplish this.
Actually, the only thing this movie manages to accomplish is pissing me off. I'll be nice and start with the positives, of which there are very little. The FX were great but with this kind of budget they better fucking be. Megan Fox is smoking hot, but more on her later. Starscream
is well done. I love the fact that he takes over the Deceps, while Megatron was thought to be dead. As, in the Transformers universe, he always wants to take over leadership of the Deceps. The movie starts off really exciting and the the moments with Sam in college are well done. But, it is all downhill from here on in.
The pacing is completely off in this piece of shit. The whole climax in the desert drags on and on. You're like when will this shit fucking end? Not only that but the action scenes are poorly shot. Hey, Michael Bay stop moving the fucking camera so much! I got fucking dizzy watching this crap! Seriously! Go back to film school, you dick!
Then, there is humor. This movie blatantly racist. First off we have two annoying twins that act all ghetto
. They really hit rock bottom, when they say, "We don't read". Wow! Seriously?! Plus, we get an African-American with bad teeth working in a deli owned by a Jewish guy and his mom. Yes, because this film also offends other races, too, not just blacks! Asians, Arabs, and midgets get hit, too!
Now, you say this is a movie for kids, right? Well, it ain't! Sex jokes abound including dogs humping each other TWICE!, a dude in a g-string, Devastator's nutsack (bet you had no clue that Transformers had privates), and Wheelie
humps Megan Fox's leg! You guys know I am NO prude, but this just did not seem like the right film for this type of shit. Getting back to lovely Ms. Fox
, she is clearly exploited through out the film as she is bent over a motorcycle and runs around in slow motion so her boobs bounce up and down
. Oh, Bay, you really know how to get the money from fan boy pockets, right? Sadly, he does not accomplish this with a good movie. By the way, a hot chick tempts Sam. Listen this new babe, Isabella Lucas
is pretty, but she ain't no Megan. The only way I would cheat on her is with an Asian girl, a porn star, or Audrina Patridge. Lucas is neither of those things. Just saying.
In further low brow humor, Sam's mom
, in the movie, is MILFy and likes pot! Yay! This only mad me think of Shia's
recent admission in
Playboy magazine where he wishes he could date a woman like his mom, cause no woman can compare to her, according to him
. Uhm, maybe he thought with
Playboy's shitty sales no would ever read that. But, Chelsea Handler mentioned it on her show. Doh!
You think the crappiness ends there? Nope. This is a Transformers movie, but I never felt like i needed to buy a toy. I liked the last films, and I bought evil cop car Barricade cause of it. Since every Decepticon looks like Starscream or Megatron, I could never tell what the fuck was going on. Why does Devestator walk like a gorilla instead of upright like he did in the cartoon?
The evil Fallen
is a lame villain that, in the end poses no real threat to our heroes. Optimus
is in the film for like 30 min. Maybe, Peter Cullen demanded a million dollars for this one...
But, hey it did feel like a commercial for our military. Bay admitted in the spacial edition DVD of the first one how much he loves the military
. His boner for them shows in this one. Yes, kids, they can beat giant robots! So now we need not fear terrorists, anymore! Yay! Why do we need the Autobots, then?! In the cartoon, humans were shit to the Decepitcons, mere insects. But, not here! Speaking of insects what was up with all the lame little robots?! By the way, the bad guy in here works for president Obama, and he wants Optimus and the Autobots to leave. I think Obama would love Prime! Remember Prime believes that, "Freedom is the right of all sentient beings". That sounds like something Obama would be behind. Bay is probably Republican...
A terrible, terrible insulting piece of shit. And, guess what? I read the reviews. Critics always hate shit like this. They don't shit about Transformers and the rich history of the franchise. I am about as hardcore as a Transformers fan as you can get. I have toys, T-shirta, a hoodie DVDs, comics, and a poster up on my wall. So fuck them, Ii thought. Besides, these are the same asses who judge slasher films the way they would a war film. Lame. Then, Kevin and Olivia Munn said they walked out 30 minutes into the film. I still refused to believe it could be that bad. There were a few who liked it on the net. I said, "Hey, I prob will, too." Well, fuck no. The more I think about this filth the more it pisses me off. You like Transformers? See the first one, any episode from the generation 1 TV show, or, best of all see the original animated film. Like action/ sci-fi films? See the new
Star Trek. Like Megan Fox? See any other film of hers, or google her hot ass. Or just read this blog. Here some pics so you don't leave you house and waste your money on this shit. See how I do favors for you?!
*1/2 out of ****----------------
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